


When I Knew I Loved Max Verstappen

by reachthezeneth



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2018 Formula 1 Season, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, a story about f1 2018, written on 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24446374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reachthezeneth/pseuds/reachthezeneth
Summary: Daniel confesses his love for Max and all he gets in return is "I have a girlfriend." So Daniel takes this perfect opportunity to change scenery, and of course Max isn't the only reason he leaves Red Bull Racing, but it's definitely on the list.Max is confused when Daniel stops talking to him and hurt when he finds out he's also blocked. Ultimately, he's missing Daniel to his core and desperate to reach out.A story about friends falling in love, at different times at first, then finally, at the same time.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 12
Kudos: 116





	1. Would You Be So Kind?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a couple of months after getting back into F1, so it maybe isn't all "canonically" correct, but I think you can still enjoy it. First chapter is the original I wrote, Daniel's POV. The second chapter is Max's and honestly I think it's my favorite of the two. It includes some things not on the first chapter, but ends the same, obviously.

_ Would you be so kind as to fall in love with me? You see, I’m trying. I know you know that I like you but that’s not enough, so if you would please fall in love with me _

  
  


Daniel loves Max. Well, Daniel  _ loved  _ Max. It's complicated in that he still does but Max isn't supposed to know.

Daniel is comfortable at Red Bull Racing, everything going great. He’s got friends in the team, gets along with everyone in the company. He’s comfortable and confident. Confident enough that he starts making it known to Max that he likes him. He makes small comments and jokes like, “we could go on a romantic candle lit dinner” or “if we were boyfriends, I would hold your hand all the time, and it would be wonderful.” There’s this moment when Daniel notices it clicks to Max and sees through him, knows he’s not joking. Max starts acting weird around him, almost like he doesn’t know how to behave around Daniel. It sucks, it does, but Daniel is nothing if not emotionally stable. 

Daniel is not emotionally stable. He mopes and whines, complains to his mom about “how do you make a man  _ listen _ and  _ see _ how ‘meant to be’ they are”. Daniel's mom sighs and jokingly makes a comment about the hardship of raising a romantic. She laughs it off, though, she loves that about him. So she sends him chocolates and little texts about loving yourself.

So after some tense days and races, Daniel decides, “go big or go home”. He writes a big romantic speech and then scraps it, knowing Max deals better with facts and statistics, not big sappy emotional speeches. So he writes up a "why we would make an amazing couple" speech with facts, almost complete with a Power Point but sadly his schedule didn't allow for one

When Daniel finally builds up the courage to give his speech, Max responds by blinking and stating he has a girlfriend and is in fact straight. Daniel wants to outline and dissect the words that have left Max's lips in the past that disagree with his statement but Daniel isn't about to drag someone out of the closet just because he wants him to. Daniel takes the L and walks.

Literally walks. Away from the team itself. It's not all just about distancing himself from Max, but it was definitely a reason on the pro column in the list he makes the days after his rejection.

So he cuts ties and doesn't bother Max anymore. He doesn't want Max to think of him as a demanding guy though, so he's still polite and friendly when they’re around each other. Daniel can't fault Max for not loving him, that’s life sometimes. So he adapts to the new reality and changes his relationship with him.

He only wishes someone had given Max a memo because at events he still smiles big at Daniel. He still texts him consistently. Messages like, “Did you hear the rumour on the Williams car? Laughable!”. Or, “Lando has this theory on the Ferrari engine and it will make you laugh! Has he told you?”. Or "I can't believe I'm sick. And you're not here. Pierre is gonna let me die, I see it in his eyes 😩 I miss you 😭". Daniel cries himself to sleep at that one, he misses Max so much.

  
  


He likes to think he’s ultimately doing well, considering. Sure, he’s got bad days, where he just wishes he could take it back. Some days, he wants to go back and stop himself from telling Max anything. Then things would be like they used to be, and he'd be happy. At the same time, he needed to tell him. It would be worse, he thinks, to keep going through life, acting like he isn’t in love with Max.

So Daniel vents about it to Michael every day at training with a "why couldn't I have loved you instead?" Michael frowns, calls him rude, and adds "You couldn't handle me anyway, I can't be tamed". Daniel always replies with a variation on, "you're even more of a romantic than me, don't bullshit me". Daniel is grateful for Michael, for not brushing it off.

He’s even more grateful when Michael comes up with a plan. Daniel waits until the end to comment, "Making him jealous is classic 101 ways something backfires, Michael. It's like you don't watch romcoms, I swear." Michael sighs with the weight of the world, and maybe the universe. "The plan is not for you to make him jealous, it’s for you to move on, idiot."

The plan is, to put it in simple terms, to talk to other drivers more than Max. His life used to revolve around Max. Stuck at the hip, sharing one mind. "You can't move on if you don't physically  _ move _ on", is the phrase Michael uses a lot. So it requires a lot of brain activity to actively seek out other drivers at first, and not follow his inner compass of  _ Max, Max, Max. _

So he walks alongside Hamilton to the tracks, eats lunch with Bottas, and chooses Charles as his travel buddy. Michael apparently thinks he took it too far with that one, if his text is any indication. "I said to branch out, not woo Max's enemy." Daniel shrugs and replies, "it's not my fault his enemy is cute." Michael types and erases his text a couple of times, the “typing” message appearing and disappearing from Daniel’s screen. "If you ever want a chance with Max, you'd rethink letting your brain go down that road."

So Daniel ends up traveling by himself most of the time, and falls asleep on planes, dreaming of a different world where everything went as he wishes it would’ve. 

Daniel thinks the season is going well. There’s a couple of interviews with Max, but not too many so he can keep his friendship but at an arms’ length. He's strictly platonic and professional. Michael sends him clips and pictures of those interviews that beg to differ. But what can Daniel do? He's only human.

It's the last race of the season and there's high tensions from all the teams and all the staff. It's the night before qualifying and Daniel is listening to music, trying to relax his nerves, and not at all moping in his room. He thinks he’s reached  _ zen _ , so of course that’s when he gets a text.

**From Max** :  _ why aren't we friends anymore? _

Honestly, Daniel can't deal with this right now. He's not in a good place emotionally, and there's a big day tomorrow. This is the absolute worst time this could be happening. Plus, There's Lorde playing in the background, so really, which deity has he pissed off for this to happen?

**To Max** :  _ what do you mean? _

**From Max** :  _ we don't talk anymore _

**To Max** :  _ we talked yesterday _

**From Max** :  _ Daniel _

They're not even talking face to face, but he can hear Max's frustrated "Daniel" just as clear as when he said it the day he poured his heart out. " _ Daniel, I have a girlfriend. I'm straight _ ." It still echoes in his mind. Daniel is  _ definitely _ not in a good place emotionally to deal with this tonight

**To Max** :  _ Max, I need you to be more clear and more specific. _

**From Max** :  _ you're more detached. You don't talk to me like you used to. Like you don't care about me. Not to mention you’ve blocked me... _

**To Max** :  _ Max, love. I love you to the end of the universe. Always have, feels like I always will. Come to my room, we can talk about it _

Max shows up at his door in less than two minutes, which Daniel thinks is wild considering RBR was staying on a different floor and wing from Renault. He's dressed in a loose hoodie and track pants and looks like he's overdue for some sleep

"What's up dude" Daniel attempts an American accent to lighten the mood. 

"Michael texted me" is all Max says, still not looking up at him. 

"I've got a couple of questions, but I guess I'll settle on, 'you text Michael?'" 

Max frowns and looks up at him, "at least he hasn't been avoiding me."

He's got a point. Daniel sighs and throws himself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. "So Michael texted you." He prompts, trying to get Max to finish the thought. 

Max pauses, "you weren't going to tell me about it?" 

Daniel half shrugs, as much as he can lying down. "What is there to say? Me, a boat and a couple of fish, out in the ocean blue. It'd make the most boring update text." 

Max scoffs, nudging the bed. "You're leaving out the part where you won't have cell reception for months!” 

At this, Daniel rolls his eyes. "Weeks! Not even two months! It'd be good to unplug. Look, what is this about?"

Max walks to the side of the bed, putting himself in Daniel's view. "So you were going to run straight from here to the ocean and not tell me? Not even a 'hey, I actually won't be able to make it for Christmas'?" 

Daniel covers his face in frustration and takes a moment to answer. "That’s what all of this is about? Because I'll have to skip your party? In case you don't remember, I wasn't at the last one, so you should be fine."

Max groans and pulls at his hair, "that's not the point! I don't  _ care _ that you weren't there last year! I care that I specifically invited you this year and you said, and I quote, 'sounds fabulous! Christmas at Max's. See ya there Rudolph'." 

Daniel laughs, "that's actually a pretty good impression of me!" 

This only angers Max more, "Daniel fucking Ricciardo, mister never takes anything seriously making a joke to get off the hook. That's a shitty thing to do, especially when you know it won't work on me."

Daniel jumps off the bed, crowding into Max’s space. "What do you want me to say, Max? Sorry I forgot? Sorry I RSVPd yes when I should've marked no? Sorry I plan to do what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time? What's so important about it, anyway?!" Max takes a step back, looking away and blushing.

"Oh I get it." Daniel bites out, "you're proposing. Well, sorry I can't make it to the  _ happy _ occasion, but I wish you both the best. I truly do. Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I've got something on my calendar that day." 

Max stutters around a fury of words that want to come out at the same time. "This is typical of you, Daniel! You think you know everything but you don't! If you just stop and  _ listen _ , I-"

Daniel walks to the bathroom and slams the door closed behind him. "Sorry I don't want to  _ listen _ to you go on about your precious girlfriend. You know what Max, it's a pretty crappy thing to come to my room just to yell at me and point out what's wrong with me. Thanks for the visit, though! I'll make sure to thank Michael for this." 

Max whispers a couple of curse words in Dutch and in English and pounds on the door. "Daniel! Daniel! Open the door! Open the-  _ fuck _ !" 

Daniel swings the door open when he hears a crash, "what happened?" 

Max has his hands pressed to his eyes, looking like he's trying to contain his emotions, thoughts, and most likely, actual tears. "I think the vibrations caused that vase to fall," he whispers.

Daniel takes a look at Max, his 180 causing him to pause and really  _ notice _ Max, who looks exhausted and emotional _. _ He's frozen and the only thing that makes him move into action is Max's shuddering breath. " _ Max, Max, Max _ " Daniel whispers while striding over to him

He doesn't know what to do but settles on instinct of pulling him in, and wrapping his arms around him as Max full on sobs now. "I'm sorry" they both end up saying at the same time which makes Daniel frown. "You have nothing to be sorry for." 

Max attempts a weak smile, "I broke that vase". Daniel shrugs. "I'll buy them two."

Daniel allows himself 20 seconds more of breathing in Max before untangling himself from the boy who got away. He walks Max towards the bed, gently pushing him to lie down on the side Daniel usually uses. He walks over to the other side, whispering things like, “I can’t believe we’re doing this now. The night before Quali. That’s great.” He lays down on top of the covers and stares at the ceiling again, taking a breath before admitting, "I was gonna text you, you know. I typed it and deleted it for over a week before I even told Michael.” It's easier to talk about it like this, to the ceiling, pretending he's not being the most vulnerable he’s been in a while, opening himself up for Max to see.

There's a minute of silence before Max quietly says, "I have over two hundred draft emails I never sent you." Daniel frowns but doesn't dare look at Max. He hates this. The fact that he pushed Max away so he wouldn't have to suffer, all along making Max suffer. He starts to say "I'm sorry" again when Max cuts in a bit louder. "I call you every night, you know." At this, Daniel whips his head to stare at him. He would remember receiving phone calls from Max, his memory is not  _ that _ bad, thank you very much.

Max frowns before continuing, "well. I call this number Lando set up for me. I don't really understand it, but it's like leaving you a very long voicemail. You stopped answering every other phone call and I missed talking to you, and I guessed Lando picked up on it after the fifth time I called him after midnight. I think that's why he did it by the way. He likes his 8 hours of sleep." Max chuckles through his tears, as if Daniel is just going to move on from the fact that Daniel ignoring his phone calls had this extreme effect on Max.

Daniel wants to say something. Knows he should apologize, even though strictly speaking, he distanced himself for both their sakes', knowing a relationship where both people want different things wouldn't work out. It’s not his fault he needs distance to guard his heart, just like it’s not Max’s fault he doesn’t love him. It’s just how the universe goes sometimes.

He's about to say something, anything, before Max continues. "There's this new guy, at the Red Bull paddock, that has a laugh  _ almost _ like yours, did you know that? I spent most of the weeks this season trying to find out what makes him laugh. Isn't that just," Max flops his head to look at Daniel, "ridiculous? Like, really think about that one. I went out of my way to know what this guy's sense of humor was so I can listen to a laugh  _ similar _ to yours."

Daniel can't speak, can't breathe, doesn't know where to start. Everything is just so fragile at this moment, with both of them sharing a bed but too much distance in between. If he really thinks about it, there’s so much he doesn’t know about Max anymore, just like Max missed big moments in his life this season. They’re new versions of themselves that weren’t there last year, when he laid it all out on the table and got rejected.

Max inhales and exhales loudly. "Doesn't matter, the point is, you spent all season ignoring me, and I thought, ok. He's focusing on Renault, his race, his team. I just have to get through the season, and he'll want to be my friend at break. There's no separate teams to worry about, no secret team strategy we might let slip. Then I hear through  _ Michael _ that you're leaving for over a month. So no, it  _ wasn't _ just during the season. You're just  _ done _ with me. Forever"

There's a strong pain in Daniel's chest and he can't feel anything other than hurt and regret. He doesn't even know where to start but whispers out a " _ Max _ ", hoping to convey all he wants to say. 

Max turns back to the ceiling and shrugs, "it's ok, you know. If you don't want to be friends anymore." He rolls his eyes and attempts a joke, "Carlos already told me you can't make someone be friends with you." That breaks Daniel. He can't think of what he wants to say but he knows he's gotta say anything to make Max know it's not that he doesn’t want to be friends, it’s that he craves that so bad and so much more.

"Do you remember," Daniel starts out, voice so small in the ample hotel room, it barely reaches Max. "When you first joined Red Bull and I said I would never be friends with team mates because it gets complicated. Do you remember what you said?" He doesn't let Max answer, doesn't pause really. "You shrugged and said, I like complicated."

There's a pause before he continues, "Do you remember, when we went to Australia and I said, welcome to my home and you replied with, it's good to be home? Do you remember, whe-"

Max cuts him off, "as lovely as this walk down the memory lane was, we've got a topic at hand I'd like to get back to." Daniel smiles.  _ Max, impatient as ever _ . He clears his throat and tries to talk around the  _ longing _ in his heart.

"That's actually a lot to do with this topic.  _ That _ was the start of a speech stored in my old computer back home. You should read it some day." Max makes a small hum, like he's thinking about it, though Daniel can tell he's wanting to continue. "It's called When I Knew I Loved Max Verstappen. Well, it's a working title, I'm not settled on it, yet, but it’s the one that’s stuck so far."

Max slowly turns to look at Daniel, confusion and something like  _ hope _ shining in his eyes. 

"Do you remember," Daniel whispers, "when I told you we'd make a great couple and you said you had a girlfriend?" Daniel waits for Max to nod his head slightly. "That's when I knew that although I couldn’t  _ not _ love you, I wasn’t allowed to. I tried, Max, I did." He shrugs slowly, sadly. "I tried to change that love to something platonic. It just didn't- I couldn't look at you and not want  _ all _ of you. It wasn't fair to me to love you that much and hear about your girlfriend every other day. I'm so sorry, Max, I am, because it also wasn't fair to you to lose a friend. I made a mistake." He chuckles dryly, "Well, I made a lot of mistakes, but making you feel like this was the worst mistake I've ever made."

Max turns to Daniel and narrows his eyes, trying to see through him, before turning back to the ceiling. "We broke up by the way," he says casually, as if it doesn’t make Daniel freeze, too afraid to even exhale. "About four or five months back." There's a small " _ what _ " that leaves Daniel. "So no," he gets up now and looks at Daniel. "I wasn't going to propose to her on Christmas. I was going to ask my best friend if he could possibly love me again, only this time I'll let him know I love him back." 

Daniel is frozen and unsure if he's understanding correctly. "Me?" 

Max rolls his eyes and exhales, frustrated. "I'd like this to be more romantic but seriously, Daniel. Would I be here,  _ the night before quali _ when I could be sleeping, resting and getting enough beauty sleep to beat you tomorrow, if I was talking about a  _ random _ friend?!"

Daniel is frozen, in awe, and then laughs because, even when having a heart to heart, Max has an emotional limit, and of course he reaches it during what is supposed to be the most climactic and romantic moment. Daniel keeps laughing because he loves this boy so much. There's no other reason he'd put up with this bullshit. 

"So," Max looks more self conscious than he was seconds before. He's playing with the sheets and flattening them with his fingers. "Is this the part where we kiss and make up so I can actually get my beauty rest for tomorrow?" Daniel wants to kiss him. He so does. He did the second " _ I like complicated _ " left Max's mouth years ago. 

Daniel also wants to take things slow, he doesn't want to pressure him into a new relationship. So Daniel laughs and pulls Max into a tight hug, smacking loud kisses on his head. "Daniel and Max back together!" Daniel yells, pumping his fist. 

Max frowns. "It's  _ Max and Daniel _ " Daniel's heart flutters hearing Max say their names together, cementing their friendship,  _ relationship _ . "Whatever you say,  _ Max dude _ ! Now, before you get more  _ emotional _ " Max cuts Daniel off with a scoff. "Before you get emotional," Daniel repeats, "let me get my beauty sleep. Some of us have to look good for pictures tomorrow, you ogre." 

Max pushes him, using the leverage to get off the bed. "Wow, I can't believe I love you."

Daniel stills. "What?" He whispers. Max rolls his eyes, and takes the lead, kissing Daniel and showing him how much he loves him.

  
  



	2. All I Want is a Fight to Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max's POV

_ Used to give each other the world, every bit. Used to be the one you’d come to, when it’d all go to shit. Now I’m left here in the dust, with the taste of broken trust _

  
  


The thing is, Max loved Daniel. Max loves Daniel. It’s complicated in that Max wants Daniel around but doesn’t know where he fits anymore.

Max is quickly welcomed into the Red Bull Racing team. Most of the credit for that goes to Daniel, who welcomes him brightly, introducing him to all the members of the teams. Shortly after, everyone makes him feel at home, following Daniel's lead. When traveling without his manager or trainer, he defaults to Daniel's side at first, unsure of how to navigate the new situations. Daniel doesn't even complain, just beams at him as if,  _ of course _ Max would be at his side. Where else would he be?

It works out for the most part. Except every now and then, Daniel makes a joke about dating, that Max can’t shake off as a  _ joke _ per say. He does, though, push it to the back of his mind and continue as if nothing is wrong. Because it makes no sense. Why would Daniel want to date  _ him _ ?

So they keep going as normal, comfortable enough to share a couch, napping in between long meetings. There’s technically another couch in the building, one or two rooms over or maybe a story up. They’re just so tired, so into their usual playful mode, they joke around and push each other toward the bed, terrorizing innocent pillows as they go. They fall asleep like that, one horizontal on the couch, the other semi vertical with their bodies touching on multiple points.

It’s  _ nice _ , Max thinks. Up until, of course, Daniel leaves Red Bull Racing. He doesn’t even know, really, when or why he does it. He only finds out through the gossip chain, and then later on, Christian. He brushes it off though, thinking Daniel is so busy with the transition, he’s not even keeping track of who he's told and who he hasn't.

Then, Daniel stops answering his texts. It starts slow, sometimes leaves him on read for a while, not a huge deal. It's just, it's left on read for longer than usual, and it leaves Max staring at his phone, frowning. Then, Daniel starts replying with short answers, none of his usual banter behind it, just straight to the point messages. It gets to the point where most of the texts don’t even get answered. If they do, it’s just with a thumbs up emoji.

He gets blocked there, he finds out eventually, when Lando tells him to text Daniel to see if he wants to go karting with them. Max does, texts him short " _ just let us know if you can come! _ " messages, none of which say they were delivered. It's not until later that night, where Max is still hanging out with Lando's friends, that one of them says, "stop texting him, he blocked you!"

They point out to him the small evidences, the different ways that Daniel's basically told Max to  _ fuck off _ . It shouldn't hurt as much as it does, he thinks. Why does it feel like he's being carved out alive?

There’s also the thing about the phone calls. When more than half of them start going straight to voicemail, it starts to drive him insane. So instead, he calls Lando. He can tell Lando is starting to get annoyed by him, especially on the phone calls after midnight, but it's such a habit, picking up the phone and wanting to dial Daniel, but switching over to someone he knows won't block him no matter what.

It’s the tenth call that week, when Lando answers with a “I swear you have horrible timing. Let me just-” there’s a huff on his end of the phone call and then just shuffling.

“I can’t anymore with him,” Max hears Lando say distantly, as if he left his phone and walked away. “This is the fifth phone call in two days and listen, I love him but there’s gotta be an end to this, right?!”

“He’s just frustrated, man. Give him an outlet to release his frustrations and he’ll come around”. The deep voice that replies surprises Max, not because he's shocked Lando is with a man but because he's surprised Lando is with someone. Full stop.

Max feels too awkward to hear anything else said in this conversation, so he yells, “If you don’t want to talk to me, Lando, just tell me so!”

“It’s not that, SuperMax! It’s just… we were  _ busy _ here and I don’t know how to tell you, ‘can’t talk right now, trying to get some’.” There’s a sound on Lando’s end that sounds like someone slapping Lano. Max wrinkles his nose, trying to block it out.

So Lando sets him up a voicemail for Max to call Daniel. “It’s not the same, I know, but I thought maybe it would help you. That way, you can also say your thoughts out loud. I've heard it's good for you.”

Max thinks it’s ridiculous. He’s already been ‘sending’ Daniel emails, leaving them in his drafts with no real email address on the “to” section so he can’t  _ accidentally _ send them. He’s seen movies. He knows all the cliches. 

  
  


**To: uhhh yeah right, not filling this out**

**Subject: wtf is that hairrrr y r u the way u r**

Your hair was a mess today. Those curls??? Ridiculous!!!

  
  


**To: the dumbass of 813**

**Subject: your hotel room suckssss**

I heard team Renault was gonna stay in the rooms next to us but someone requested staying on a different floor. I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you can’t even be on the same floor as us. Do you hate RBR that much? Me? I hope Room 813 serves you well. I hope it’s haunted.

  
  


**To: enemy in yellow**

**Subject: the red fucker**

Isn’t it nice that you can hang out with people on other teams?? It’s interesting because I thought your problem was that you couldn’t be with other teams. Guess you can make an exception for the wonderful prince of ferrari. Maybe if i was as charming as him.

  
  


**To: doesn’t even matter**

**Subject: does anything even?**

There’s this idea floating around in my head that you’ve forgotten me. Have you?

  
  


So now he makes voicemails to join those emails. The voicemails mostly consist of a run down of his day, like his usual phone calls with Daniel usted to be on days off or on the early days of Daniel at Renault. There’s some ideas and theories for track times here and there but mostly just random, unnecessary information. Then there’s some that are mostly just him quietly on the phone, a long stretch of silence between every other word.

_ “I miss your voice you know. I hear you of course, laughing with Nico, talking with interviewers. I think you actually said hi to me today. I was next to Lando though, so I’m not sure if you were talking to him and not me. Sometimes I fall asleep listening to your interviews. I know it’s sad. I know I’m not well. I’m trying to be fine about it. I don’t think I ever will be, though.” _

_ “So I was talking with Alex about that one wall at the factory that you dented but we tried to fix by moving the poster on top of it but I couldn’t remember how you dented it. Was it when I pushed you or when you were on your dancing marathon and you fell? Either way, Alex didn’t believe that actually worked. Somehow Christian still doesn’t know.” _

_ “V called the other day and asked about you. I didn’t know how to tell her I don’t know you anymore. I know that sounds very dramatic but really. Do we still know each other?” _

_ “There’s a song that reminds me of you even when there’s no logical reason that it does. It’s not like we were dating and you broke up with me. Either way, when it comes on my playlist I have to skip it. It came on today and I decided not to skip it, which ended with me in tears running on the treadmill. Heeft het leven dan meer glans zonder mij? Krijgt de liefde weer een kans zonder mij? Als dat echt zo is dan laat ik je vrij. Als het beter, als dat beter is. Wil niet zeggen dat ik jou niet mis. Doesn’t mean that I won’t miss you. I miss you." _

_ "There are times my phone vibrates and I grin and go to check it, thinking it's you. I don't know why I do that. It's been a long time since you last texted me, even longer since you texted me willingly, sending me messages first. So I don't know why my mind keeps thinking it's you, when I know I'm blocked. Why don't you miss me like I miss you? Do you think of me too?" _

_ “Do you think about how fast it all went to shit? I think about it often. One second, everything was fine, the next you stopped talking to me, and I lost my best friend. I think about it often, how I could do it differently. Everything just happened so fast, and everything was a reaction, and everything slipped through my fingers and I can’t believe two minutes took away my forever with you. We were supposed to be friends till death. Did I die? It feels like I died.” _

_ "I just saw you. I just- I saw you and I think you saw me too but you walked past me and I could smell- I could… fuck, this doesn't matter. I could leave you a million of these messages and what would I get? You don't hear them, it fixes nothing, and I still miss you with my core, that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you. I've gone days without thinking of you but the second something reminds me of you, it hits me all again and I can't move. There's ice in my veins and my heart at my throat and I choke on the severity of it all. My body physically feels like I'm dying the second I think about you. I heard somewhere it's the chemicals in your brain reacting to strong emotions and it's amazing what your body can do right? It's amazing what your body can do, making me crave it and lose my mind. I wonder if it'll ever go away. Maybe one day I can hear your name without wanting to crawl to bed and cry my lungs out. Maybe, well 'maybe's don't matter. Maybe one day you'll want to be my friend again." _

He doesn’t know how long it will last, this freezeout. There’s hope for the winter break, enough hope that Max invites Daniel to his house for Christmas. He wants to set it all down, have it all out on the table, about how much he’s missing Daniel. Except, there’s texts on his phone, sent from a Michael Italiano. 

**From Michael** :  _ Hey Max, sorry to text you out of the blue, I just thought you should know _

: _I saw your interview where you said Dan was going over your house for_ _  
_ _Christmas and I realized he didn’t tell you, or maybe you knew but said_ __  
_a nice story to the press so it looks nice?_ _  
_ __Daniel is spending his winter holiday in the middle of the ocean. I’m not sure

_ if boat, ship, or yacht? Basically, not on land, and without WiFi or phone service _

**To Michael** :  _ What?! When was he going to tell me?! _

**From Michael** :  _ I think… he wasn’t. Sorry, Max. _

So he hurriedly texts Daniel again, surprised to find it went through this time, and there's an answer shortly after, telling him to stop by his room. He’s been pacing outside Daniel’s room, up and down the hallway, but still takes his time, making sure he breathes and calms down before knocking. Daniel opens the door half a minute later, every second ticking by, echoing in Max's head loudly.

"What's up dude" Daniel attempts an American accent to lighten the mood. 

"Michael texted me" is all Max says, still not looking up at him. 

Daniel is all loose bones, the perfect picture of relaxed and confident. "I've got a couple of questions, but I guess I'll settle on, 'you text Michael?'" 

Max frowns and looks up at him, "at least he hasn't been avoiding me." There’s so much more he wants to say right out of the gate, but he’s sorting through all his thoughts and tries to say anything like,  _ “Come back to me”. _

Daniel sighs and throws himself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. "So Michael texted you,” is all he says and Max wants to choke him.

Max takes a second to breathe, "you weren't going to tell me about it?" 

Daniel half shrugs, and Max thinks it looks so dumb, since he’s lying down. "What is there to say? Me, a boat and a couple of fish, out in the ocean blue. It'd make the most boring update text." 

Max scoffs, nudging the bed. "You're leaving out the part where you won't have cell reception for months!” 

At this, Daniel rolls his eyes, and it infuriates him even more. "Weeks! Not even two months! It'd be good to unplug. Look, what is this about?"

Max walks to the side of the bed, staring at Daniel, hoping to convey his full anger. "So you were going to run straight from here to the ocean and not tell me? Not even a 'hey, I actually won't be able to make it for Christmas'?" 

Daniel covers his face. "That’s what all of this is about? Because I'll have to skip your party? In case you don't remember, I wasn't at the last one, so you should be fine."

Max groans and pulls at his hair, "that's not the point! I don't  _ care _ that you weren't there last year! I care that I specifically invited you this year and you said, and I quote, 'sounds fabulous! Christmas at Max's. See ya there Rudolph'." 

Daniel laughs, "that's actually a pretty good impression of me!" 

Max stops and tries to compose himself. "Daniel fucking Ricciardo, mister never takes anything seriously making a joke to get off the hook. That's a shitty thing to do, especially when you know it won't work on me."

Daniel jumps off the bed and crowds into Max’s space. "What do you want me to say, Max? Sorry I forgot? Sorry I RSVPd yes when I should've marked no? Sorry I plan to do what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time? What's so important about it, anyway?!" Max takes a step back, looking away and blushing.

"Oh I get it." Daniel bites out, "you're proposing. Well, sorry I can't make it to the  _ happy _ occasion, but I wish you both the best. I truly do. Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I've got something on my calendar that day." 

Max stutters around a fury of words that want to come out at the same time. He’s not sure how  _ he _ became the bad guy in all of this. "This is typical of you, Daniel! You think you know everything but you don't! If you just stop and  _ listen _ , I-"

Daniel walks to the bathroom and slams the door closed behind him. "Sorry I don't want to  _ listen _ to you go on about your precious girlfriend. You know what Max, it's a pretty crappy thing to come to my room just to yell at me and point out what's wrong with me. Thanks for the visit, though! I'll make sure to thank Michael for this." 

Max whispers a couple of curse words in Dutch and in English and pounds on the door. "Daniel! Daniel! Open the door! Open the-  _ fuck _ !" He’s so upset, he knows logically, he should take a second to  _ think _ but he’s so impulsive, he punches a lamp. 

Daniel whips open the door, "what happened?" 

Max presses his hands to his eyes, looking like he's trying to contain his emotions, thoughts, and most likely, actual tears. "I think the vibrations caused that vase to fall," he whispers.

Daniel takes a look at him and Max feels so  _ raw _ , so  _ open _ . Daniel walks towards him, whispering a " _ Max, Max, Max _ ".

Daniel does the unthinkable and pulls him in his arms and Max is full on sobning now. "I'm sorry" they both end up saying at the same time and Max can finally breathe. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Dan tells him and Max smiles, "I broke that vase". 

Daniel shrugs. "I'll buy them two." Max misses him so much.

Daniel lets go of him, and Max misses his warmth instantly. He’s pushed to lie down on the bed while Daniel walks towards the other side and lies down on top of the covers. "I was gonna text you, you know. I typed it and deleted it for over a week before I even told Michael.” There’s so many emotions flickering through Max. He’s thankful he’s still the first one Daniel thought to text, even though he never did. He’s also sad, that they’re at this point in life, that they’re no longer the closest ones to each other.

Max takes a second to think how vulnerable he wants to be here, and decides ‘go big or go home’. "I have over two hundred draft emails I never sent you." He thinks he hears Daniel starting to say something, but he cuts in louder, not wanting to lose his nerve. If he stops now, he won’t say all he wants to, and he didn’t come this far to chicken out. "I call you every night, you know." At this, Daniel whips his head to stare at him. 

Max frowns, "well. I call this number Lando set up for me. I don't really understand it, but it's like leaving you a very long voicemail. You stopped answering every other phone call and I missed talking to you, and I guessed Lando picked up on it after the fifth time I called him after midnight. I think that's why he did it by the way. He likes his 8 hours of sleep." Max chuckles through his tears, trying to move on and brush past it. 

"There's this new guy, at the Red Bull paddock, that has a laugh  _ almost _ like yours, did you know that? I spent most of the weeks this season trying to find out what makes him laugh. Isn't that just," Max flops his head to look at Daniel, "ridiculous? Like, really think about that one. I went out of my way to know what this guy's sense of humor was so I can listen to a laugh  _ similar _ to yours."

Max inhales and exhales loudly. "Doesn't matter, the point is, you spent all season ignoring me, and I thought, ok. He's focusing on Renault, his race, his team. I just have to get through the season, and he'll want to be my friend at break. There's no separate teams to worry about, no secret team strategy we might let slip. Then I hear through  _ Michael _ that you're leaving for over a month. So no, it  _ wasn't _ just during the season. You're just  _ done _ with me. Forever"

Max thinks he hears his name whispered but turns back to the ceiling and shrugs, "it's ok, you know. If you don't want to be friends anymore." He rolls his eyes and attempts a joke, "Carlos already told me you can't make someone be friends with you." 

"Do you remember," Daniel starts out, voice so small Max barely hears it. "When you first joined Red Bull and I said I would never be friends with team mates because it gets complicated. Do you remember what you said?" He doesn't let Max answer, doesn't pause really. "You shrugged and said, I like complicated."

Daniel pauses and Max holds his breath, not wanting to deter Daniel from continuing, "Do you remember, when we went to Australia and I said, welcome to my home and you replied with, it's good to be home? Do you remember, whe-"

Max cuts him off, realizing this isn’t going anywhere any time soon. "As lovely as this walk down the memory lane was, we've got a topic at hand I'd like to get back to." Daniel clears his throat.

"That's actually a lot to do with this topic.  _ That _ was the start of a speech stored in my old computer back home. You should read it some day." Max makes a small hum, pretending to think about it, but really he’s just so  _ confused _ . "It's called When I Knew I Loved Max Verstappen. Well, it's a working title, I'm not settled on it, yet, but it’s the one that’s stuck so far."

Max slowly turns to look at Daniel, careful not to look too hopeful. 

"Do you remember," Daniel whispers, "when I told you we'd make a great couple and you said you had a girlfriend?" Max nods. "That's when I knew that although I couldn’t  _ not _ love you, I wasn’t allowed to. I tried, Max, I did." He shrugs. "I tried to change that love to something platonic. It just didn't- I couldn't look at you and not want  _ all _ of you. It wasn't fair to me to love you that much and hear about your girlfriend every other day. I'm so sorry, Max, I am, because it also wasn't fair to you to lose a friend. I made a mistake." He chuckles dryly, "Well, I made a lot of mistakes, but making you feel like this was the worst mistake I've ever made."

Max turns to Daniel and tries to  _ see _ him, tries to see if Daniel is playing around or if he’s as real as what Max feels for him. He tries to test the waters by casually stating, "We broke up by the way. About four or five months back." There's a small " _ what _ " that leaves Daniel. "So no, I wasn't going to propose to her on Christmas. I was going to ask my best friend if he could possibly love me again, only this time I'll let him know I love him back." He’s stood up from the bed at some point, too anxious to stay still. 

Daniel only replies with a small "Me?" 

Max rolls his eyes and exhales, frustrated. "I'd like this to be more romantic but seriously, Daniel. Would I be here,  _ the night before quali _ when I could be sleeping, resting and getting enough beauty sleep to beat you tomorrow, if I was talking about a  _ random _ friend?!"

He really wants to play it off, act like his emotions aren’t bubbling up and about to spill onto the surface and make him even more vulnerable than he already feels.

"So," Max looks more self conscious than he was seconds before. He plys with the sheets and flattens them with his fingers. "Is this the part where we kiss and make up so I can actually get my beauty rest for tomorrow?" He really hopes Daniel kisses him because he doesn’t think he’s got the courage to do it himself.

Daniel laughs and pulls Max into a tight hug, smacking loud kisses on his head. Max is floating on cloud nine, he can’t believe it. He can’t believe he gets his best friend back. "Daniel and Max back together!" Daniel yells, pumping his fist. 

Max frowns. "It's  _ Max and Daniel _ " and if that doesn’t do  _ something _ to Max, hearing their names together. Now it’s not just ‘teammates’ or ‘friends’ that describe them, it’s something  _ more _ . 

Daniel brushes him off, "Whatever you say,  _ Max dude _ ! Now, before you get more  _ emotional _ " Max cuts Daniel off with a scoff. "Before you get emotional," Daniel repeats, "let me get my beauty sleep. Some of us have to look good for pictures tomorrow, you ogre." 

Max pushes him, using the leverage to get off the bed. "Wow, I can't believe I love you."

Daniel stills. "What?" He whispers. Max rolls his eyes, and decides to take the lead, kissing Daniel and showing him how much he loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry the formatting is a bit iffy, I tried my best but it won't do what I want it to! lmao
> 
> Feel free to follow and message me on Tumblr! Actually, you can probably find me in any social media with the same name! I need more F1 friends :)

**Author's Note:**

> For D, my first deep love, and my most shattering heartbreak. You were my biggest fan, and spent years trying to talk me into posting everything I wrote for you. I'm sorry it took me all our history to finally do it, but thank you for giving me the courage. I can never thank you enough for the wonderful years you gave me, and all the love you had for me. You will always be my best friend. I wish you all the best, always <3


End file.
